A Very Long Ramble Before Vacation

So, yesterday we went to the dentist as a family. I've been having some pain in my lower molars and was due for a cleaning. In the middle of the cleaning, the dentist comes in, interrupts the technician, and checks out my x-rays and mouth. As I suspected, I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep. His "solution" was "these things come and go, they can be very painful when they come, but then they go away." WTF? I was at least expecting him to offer to make me a bite plate or something.

My son is 3, and hasn't had a proper dental check up, so the dentist finally agreed after some pushing on our part. He went ahead and examined my son while I was getting cleaned, so I missed out on the whole thing. He gave me an update when he examined me saying, "I've had a look around his mouth, but he didn't get a real exam." Again, WTF?? I rolled my eyes at him and huffed, "what? why not? he didn't get a real exam last year, he's now 3 years old!" His summary was that my son has all his teeth, and it looks fine-exactly like my husbands mouth. I asked about how to teach my son to floss. He said, "Never! You'll destroy him!" I must have had the most bewildered look on my face. Then I asked about those little tablets you chew that show where you missed brushing. His response: "No way. You must brush his teeth until he is at least 10 years old!" Uh, hello!!! I think a child can learn to brush before 10. Of course I'll check it...but he should be doing most by 5, I would imagine. I told the dentist I felt like my son was way behind on his dental care and he just said, no he's right on track for Sweeeeeeeden. At this point, I'm getting really upset. I felt like he shot down everything I asked about and dismissed me as the crazy American. I also felt like he thought I was being a bad mother for even thinking my child could floss or brush on his own before 10 years old. Anyhow, I started gently crying. He left, and the technician returned to finish polishing my teeth. When she saw I was crying, she basically hurried through the rest of the polishing...I am still so incredibly upset by this! I am so tired of being in this Godforsaken place! I just want to go home where I can be myself, and know what to expect. I'm mostly upset about the lack of care for my son (I cannot get him in anyplace for a well child check up...they "have too many babies to tend to", nice, huh?), but I'm also disturbed that his response to me grinding my teeth in my sleep is, "just keep grinding them away, when you've ground them enough, they'll be flat again, and won't hurt." Additionally, I didn't even get a chance to ask him about fluoride (which is not added to the water here)...

Now, I've just related yesterdays ordeal to my mother, and she thinks I read too much and said she never went through any of this with us (me and my brothers). First, she's blocked out/forgot most of our formative years. Second, shouldn't you do better if you know better? She still argues that she let us roll around/play in the back of a Vega on road trips and it was no big deal. Well, I know the facts that children are safer in a car seat....now I know a bunch of other facts too...she thinks it's too much information and that I need to let it go and not to worry about it and not to let it affect me so much. She's probably right, but what I needed (oh...here we go again with the needs vs. wants) was someone to listen and understand, instead it felt like she was berating me. The dentist thought I was crazy. My husband thought I overreacted. My mother thought I suffer from information overload. Ugh!

All that dentist stuff happened on Tuesday, now I'm picking up with Wednesday's events...

Another hectic day for us. My son was up, crying, when I stepped out of the shower, so I had to rush up to him. That always makes for a rocky start for me. Then, he refused to eat his breakfast, which he needed for energy in tumbling class. He had a good time at class, and played with some friends. Then we decided to go to a Babies R Us type store to get an extra potty seat, and a bag for our stroller for the trip. I asked one of the other Mommies in class if there was one close by (which is not really in my part of town), and she told me about one, which I'd actually been to before. But, she told me it was on the E4 highway, when in fact it is on the E18. So, we drove for an extra hour with no results...anyhow, I remained upset and frustrated about the dentist stuff and just feeling out of sorts in general. I was on the brink of tears for most of the day, and my son can sense these things. While he's very sweet and says things like: Mummy happy now! and Don't worry Mummy, I'll take care of you! And wipes my tears, etc, etc. It still affects him and he becomes a bit more emotional.

I tried to pull myself together for my therapy session, but as I expected I basically cried the ugly cry for the entire hour. I started off by telling him how I've realized that many of the times I lash out at others are based on my own insecurities. He said, "yes...there is a lot of insecurity going on with you. And it's understandable." Then, I related the dentist drama, and told him how I felt like those three peoples reaction to me just enforced my insecure feeling. I don't have much of a support network here, and have had a bit of the "we're leaving soon, so I'm not going to bother making another friend" attitude. Then, our stay here keeps getting dragged out year after year. (It was supposed to be 2-3 years, now we've been here 4 1/2 and it will be 5 1/2 at least before we move.) Anyhow, the lack of support network makes it crucial for me to be supported by my mother and husband, and when this doesn't happen, its like I crumble a bit...or erupt, rather. I made the analogy that it's like a volcano, and I feel like I just start to ooze.

I also feel scared to go to Florida. I feel like I've been hiding here for so long, and thinking about being on the beach, by the pool makes me like there will be no place to hide, and extremely vulnerable. I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to stop crying for six months...and like I'd better get a giant sun hat to hide my tears. Additionally, I've told myself so many times now that I'll use my time in Sweden to lose the weight and get healthy. Now I'm going back to the US after a year (we usually go three times a year, but shook it up this year), and I weigh 15 pounds more than last year. I feel like I keep on failing. I also feel like it's going to be so difficult for me to just have a regular, friendly conversation with anyone.

At the end of the session, he asked the dreaded question. "So.....what do you think you've done here this evening?" My first reaction was that I've added to the mountain of undesirable qualities that I possess. He said he nearly fell for that...then I said that I feel like I've been identifying problems, and that's the first step to changing them. He summed it up by saying that we've now exposed the machinery. Which is something like, all my bad behavior is stemming from trying to find ways to cope with my insecurities.

No wonder I feel so raw. And vulnerable.

The upside is that I haven't been tempted to punish/comfort/push down feelings/etc. myself with food. (I'm doing that with my internal dialogue...) And, probably the best part, despite weighing 15 pounds more this year, most of my resort clothes fit or are baggy. This means that I've gained some muscle. Hopefully this extra muscle will give me the strength I need to change my behaviors and overcome this mountain of insecurity.

Well if you read this, you deserve some sort of award! It was long, and tedious, I'm sure. I hope everyone has a very Happy Easter!

I'll be back on March 25th.