HYC Check-in

Another week has flown by for me. It wasn't a great one, but it wasn't bad, either. I only lost .4 pounds (the scale was up a pound from yesterday *shakes fist*), but I ate well and exercised 5 times!

Here's how my goals from last week went;


Work on the Pell vs flat water some more did OK, except for Sunday.
Notice moments of lightness meh...
Eat MORE veggies, LESS nuts did well!
Exercise 4-5 times 5 times!!!
Finish online shopping did it!
Start packing nearly done!
Do homework from therapy before Wed night...skipped it entirely

Last weeks therapy session was OK. I went in there grinning guiltily about not having finished my homework. He had me visualize what it would be like if I did something and he became furious with me. I eventually did it, but I realized that it's very rare for me to be face to face with someone who is furious with me. I've developed a "skill", if you will, of being able to push people right to the brink, but not far enough to warrant an in your face angry confrontation. At some point during the session, I had a memory of being at my cousins house, when my uncle was angry and yelling like a crazy man (probably an exaggeration, but it seemed extreme to me). I was pretty terrified by his anger. Yelling never occurred in our house...if anyone did anything "beyond the brink" it was usually dealt with by either the silent treatment or by just suppressing it.

The reason my week wasn't great was basically because of this weekend, and my behavior. I've been extremely exhausted, not sleeping well and yesterday I was in a real funk. I found myself lashing out at my husband, then turning around, stabbing myself with my behavior and twisting the knife. I have no idea if that makes any sense...for example, I basically ruined a pot by burning some oatmeal (it was an old pot with a hot spot anyhow). I scoured and soaked it for two days, then asked my husband if he wanted to have a go at it, telling him I'd toss it otherwise. I've had this pot for, maybe 15 years. I'm fussy about what I'm buying new these days, and I can't get an adequate replacement in Sweden...so I'll basically have to go without a 3 quart pot until we move home. My point, that I seem to be having difficulty getting to, is that he questioned me throwing it away. And instead of just taking that at what it was, my husband concerned with me not having an essential piece of kitchen equipment, I took it as him being cheap, not wanting to have to buy another one. As I'm typing up this post, I'm realizing that this stems from my insecurities. This is likely true with many of my other "outbursts". Something happens that makes me feel like someone (mostly my husband) is questioning me and then I feel like I have to explain myself and I get angry. Then I lash out, during which I tend to realize that I'm behaving badly and then I bring the gauntlet down on myself and spend the rest of the day in misery.

I guess realizing it is the first step in curing it, right?

On to my goals for this week:

• exercise 3-4 times


• finish packing


• try to not turn the knife on myself, or at least stop bad behavior before ending in misery

Well, it's a short list this week. I hope to post again on Thursday, but if I don't get around to it, I hope everyone has a great week! We'll be back March 25th. That's a Tuesday, so I probably won't make it for an official check in that week, as I definitely won't want to step on the scale directly from a long haul flight!