Yay! The scale was down nearly 3 pounds today! That means I'm actually down from where I was when we left for vacation! So, you CAN go on vacation and not gain weight:-) I really think I have a much better attitude towards eating these days.
So, vacation was good, but the travel days were tough. On our way over I was downright weepy. Before we left, I was feeling extremely raw and vulnerable, and just on the edge. Things smoothed out after a day or two when we got into our routine, and I distanced myself from my issues. Then, a day or so before we travelled home, I again became really edgy and emotional. It's always like that when I have to come back here. It always feels like punishment, somehow. I feel like I'm missing out on so much at home...making friends, involving myself and my son in things. Anyhow...I feel like I need to recap some of my bad behavior to get a bit of perspective. So, here goes:
On the plane from Stockholm to New York, my husband said I was rude to a stewardess. I indeed was, but having him call me on it basically reduced me to tears for about an hour of sobbing. Then, on the flight from NY to Miami, I fell asleep while the plane was boarding. I hadn't buckled up and a stewardess woke me up. I was extremely out of it (I don't often fall asleep like that), and lied, telling her I was buckled. She insisted on seeing it, and kept pushing me in a very rude way. Then the woman sitting in front of my son turned around and started yelling at me. I guess she thought I was holding up the flight, which I wasn't. The stewardess then threatened to report me to the captain. WTF?! Then, I start to worry about the bitchy woman in front of my son reclining her seat and squishing his feet. My husband tries to get her attention, then she holds up her hand and says, "I'm not interested." I insist on telling her that she could hurt my sleeping son by reclining her seat. She then asks, in a very snotty tone, "is he handicapped?" My response was something like, "Are you just a complete bitch, or what?" She said, "probably." And that was that....except I cried for over an hour. Just typing it has made my eyes water. What on earth is wrong with me?? At the end of the flight, I apologized to the stewardess, and we had a nice, friendly conversation.
I have also ripped on my husband for speaking so much Swedish to our son. This is probably his biggest issue with me, and the thing that he likes least about me. His side of the story is that I agreed to learn Swedish and raise our child/ren bilingually. He feels like I've betrayed him somehow by "failing to honour our vows". For me, this has not been an overnight, sudden change. It's come on gradually over the past few years...mostly based on my experiences here, which have been resoundingly negative. Despite the big positive of our son joining our family it has not outweighed the things that have happened to me here. I'll give an abbreviated time-line of events and will probably expound on some of the more substantial things at some point.
July 2000-met my husband
June 2002-moved in together in NYC
June 2003-got engaged, at some point I was taking Swedish lessons in Manhattan
October 23rd, 2003-married in Florida
October 31st, 2003-moved into his 400sq ft apartment in Stockholm
November 1st, 2003-got pregnant
So, vacation was good, but the travel days were tough. On our way over I was downright weepy. Before we left, I was feeling extremely raw and vulnerable, and just on the edge. Things smoothed out after a day or two when we got into our routine, and I distanced myself from my issues. Then, a day or so before we travelled home, I again became really edgy and emotional. It's always like that when I have to come back here. It always feels like punishment, somehow. I feel like I'm missing out on so much at home...making friends, involving myself and my son in things. Anyhow...I feel like I need to recap some of my bad behavior to get a bit of perspective. So, here goes:
On the plane from Stockholm to New York, my husband said I was rude to a stewardess. I indeed was, but having him call me on it basically reduced me to tears for about an hour of sobbing. Then, on the flight from NY to Miami, I fell asleep while the plane was boarding. I hadn't buckled up and a stewardess woke me up. I was extremely out of it (I don't often fall asleep like that), and lied, telling her I was buckled. She insisted on seeing it, and kept pushing me in a very rude way. Then the woman sitting in front of my son turned around and started yelling at me. I guess she thought I was holding up the flight, which I wasn't. The stewardess then threatened to report me to the captain. WTF?! Then, I start to worry about the bitchy woman in front of my son reclining her seat and squishing his feet. My husband tries to get her attention, then she holds up her hand and says, "I'm not interested." I insist on telling her that she could hurt my sleeping son by reclining her seat. She then asks, in a very snotty tone, "is he handicapped?" My response was something like, "Are you just a complete bitch, or what?" She said, "probably." And that was that....except I cried for over an hour. Just typing it has made my eyes water. What on earth is wrong with me?? At the end of the flight, I apologized to the stewardess, and we had a nice, friendly conversation.
I have also ripped on my husband for speaking so much Swedish to our son. This is probably his biggest issue with me, and the thing that he likes least about me. His side of the story is that I agreed to learn Swedish and raise our child/ren bilingually. He feels like I've betrayed him somehow by "failing to honour our vows". For me, this has not been an overnight, sudden change. It's come on gradually over the past few years...mostly based on my experiences here, which have been resoundingly negative. Despite the big positive of our son joining our family it has not outweighed the things that have happened to me here. I'll give an abbreviated time-line of events and will probably expound on some of the more substantial things at some point.
July 2000-met my husband
June 2002-moved in together in NYC
June 2003-got engaged, at some point I was taking Swedish lessons in Manhattan
October 23rd, 2003-married in Florida
October 31st, 2003-moved into his 400sq ft apartment in Stockholm
November 1st, 2003-got pregnant
November 2nd, 2003-major shake up at my husbands firm, resulting in him taking a position at a new firm
December 26th, 2003-miscarried in Michigan (it was an empty sac/blighted ovum)
January 2004-bought house and moved in
Spring 2004-got pregnant again
Spring 2004-miscarried at about 8 weeks when my husband was in the US on a business trip. Was treated very poorly by the health system here
July 2004-pregnant again
April 2005-gave birth to our son, suffered severe internal tear. Was given no follow up care.
Fall 2006-had vaginal reconstructive surgery to fix the midwives sewing error/s. Was treated very poorly and basically totally humiliated.
December 26th, 2003-miscarried in Michigan (it was an empty sac/blighted ovum)
January 2004-bought house and moved in
Spring 2004-got pregnant again
Spring 2004-miscarried at about 8 weeks when my husband was in the US on a business trip. Was treated very poorly by the health system here
July 2004-pregnant again
April 2005-gave birth to our son, suffered severe internal tear. Was given no follow up care.
Fall 2006-had vaginal reconstructive surgery to fix the midwives sewing error/s. Was treated very poorly and basically totally humiliated.
Now, these are just the major events. There are daily things that have happened that have made me very jaded against Sweden. Also, I moved here in a "blinded by love" state. We'd only visited in the Summer, and my husband assured me that things were "very Americanized" and it would hardly be different from living in a high rise in Manhattan *rolling eyes* He also assured me that the winters weren't "that bad." We arrived during the worst part of the year for darkness and gloom. I started taking "Swedish For Immigrants" better known as Swedish for Idiots. I lasted about 2 weeks in that program, it was just torture and I didn't learn a thing.
Over the years, I've (of course) learned some Swedish. I can make my way through most things in the grocery store-fish remain difficult. I can understand a lot of conversation, although I rarely-if ever-speak a word. Most television is in English with Swedish subtitles. I can read enough of it to be offended by the glaring mistakes they make-intentionally or not. Often I think of myself as knowing enough Swedish to get me in trouble. Now, getting back to the original point of being angry at my husband for not speaking more English to our son. I think when I have to listen to him in Swedish it just reminds me of all the miserable things I've gone through here. And of how far away I am from my home, my country and my family and friends. I also tend to have self-talk that says something like, "I shouldn't have to go through this". Maybe I'm just beating myself up - and subsequently lashing out at my husband - for coming into this ('this' meaning the international aspect of our relationship) so naively? Also, I think I may feel mislead by him telling me winters are mild, the darkness is hardly noticeable and that it's just like being in America. Hence, I have less ability to trust him, and feel even more insecure when he omits me by speaking Swedish.
Another thing (here we go with that Narcissistic pendulum again!), relating to the Swedish speaking, is that it often sounds like dumb English to me. The way the sentences are constructed sound like someone who is uneducated talking. Or, it can sound overly dramatic. The vocabulary is very small compared to English, so you have things like "You should do this" coming out as "You must do this" or, "I'm cold" being "I'm freezing" in Swedish.
Now, I've always been a bit of a rebel, balking against authority...and with all the "One must do xxxx!" I feel like I'm being bossed around. Also, it often feels like the socialist government
is telling you to behave certain ways. This brings me to the acceptance. People here just accept sub-par things as the status quo. They rarely question anything. There are no choices and people are OK with that. The gov't tells them to pay more tax and they do. They are told not to be different, so everyone wears the same sh!t from H&M.
is telling you to behave certain ways. This brings me to the acceptance. People here just accept sub-par things as the status quo. They rarely question anything. There are no choices and people are OK with that. The gov't tells them to pay more tax and they do. They are told not to be different, so everyone wears the same sh!t from H&M.Ugh, I need to stop ranting...
Again, if you've read this entire post, thank you, and you deserve some gold stars! (don't worry, looking is calorie and carb-free!)
I'm not sure what's on for our weekend. I'm hoping the snow will finally disappear. And, I have 400 photos to process from Florida (not to mention I still haven't finished with the Christmas photos!)
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteI just read your rant about being an expat, and I just wanted to drop you a note to say, "I get it!"
You're totally not alone and not the first person to feel this way! I'm a New Zealand woman, who's moved to the Netherlands to be with my boyfriend, who's Dutch. I've been a little luckier than you because the Dutch are a heck of a lot more tolerant than the Scandinavians, plus the weather here is better! However, my first year here was not easy. I was forced to do "integration" classes, where I had to learn Dutch. They were next to useless and as you said, humiliating, because you're never treated as a whole person. You're sort of treated like you're a child, or perhaps even lightly retarded. It took me ages to get a job, and I'm quite often frustrated with the Dutch sense of superiority, their rudeness, their pushiness and the sheer number of people. I'm from a very laid back, warm, friendly place with excellent food. Dutch food? Hasn't changed since the 1600's. As you said, everyone dresses exactly the same way, not a freak or geek to be seen. (I'm a natural born geek) and just.. RARGH!!
I get it, I totally do. I get so homesick when I think of my homeland. THEN add in the whole "trying to lose weight" thing, it's enough to make a girl cry.
I've been here now though 2.5 years, and now it's starting to get good. I think it takes that long just to get established when you don't have the support of your home network.
I hope things pick up for you. Swing by if you ever want to kvetch to someone who understands!
Love the cake!!
ReplyDeleteWOW you have been through a lot.
ReplyDeletehehehehe skim read at first - then I went back and read the whole post.
Now I can enjoy the looking at the picture again (smile)
I just want to give you a hug and share a well made coffee and hear the rest of the story.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Wow... what a journey.
Wow... not easy huh! Ive lived in a few places overseas but Ive always been single... being an expat in your husbands homeland must be a heck of a lot tougher. Especially with a bilingual child!
ReplyDeleteI remember going to live in Europe.. I thought it would be easy because I am a 'New Zealand European' (well, thats what they have on the forms in NZ).... oh my gosh, I am so not European. Its a completly different culture and I found it really hard to fit in.
Hang in there... you are doing great tackling the weight loss as well.. not easy, but loosing the weight will make you feel better about yourself which will make it easier to handle the other issues.
I guess with time and as your language skills get better things will start to get easier. I found doing language lessons and joining expat groups helped... meeting other expats in the same situation is comforting!