What Fills Me?

This is inspired by a post over at Escape from Obesity, I think it could be a very interesting exercise.

Her post really spoke to me. I think some/much of my problem could be that I don't have enough that fills me, so I've turned to food. I know my psychiatrist thinks that my parents did a number on me....but I'm convinced it was not intentional. They did the best they could...and passed on many of their bad (eating/emotional) habits to me. I think Lyn is really on to something when she brings up eating and eating, searching for fullness that never comes.

Part of my healthy change will have to be finding things that fill me up in healthy ways. What if normal/healthy people feel that high that comes during a binge...but are left light and elevated, instead of heavy and depressed...from everyday things--clouds, sunshine, laughter.

In my last post, I mentioned my brother's girlfriends jeans. I also noticed how she ate her toast. She probably had 1/4 teaspoon of jam and butter on two slices of ww toast. Is that what skinny people do? You mean they don't slather tablespoonfuls of butter and jam on each slice?? They also skipped breakfast entirely, or just had a latte and toast...which doesn't seem very healthy with sugar and little protien....anyhow... Most of my family is overweight, and many of my good friends have battled with weight. Hence, I've not had much exposure to how skinny people behave. Perhaps I've surrounded myself with overweight people in order to make my own actions appear normal? This is beginning to sound like the part where Dr. Phil steps in and tells me to change my environment if I want to succeed, doesn't it?

I also noticed over the weekend, that I nearly get an anxiety attack when faced with eating out. Especially if I am hungry. For instance, my brother and his gf did not eat any breakfast on Saturday. I ate a smallish piece of sausage/egg quiche around 9am. We went to the farmers market, then out for a forest hike. It was 12:30 when we approached a restaurant. I felt totally stressed. Like I didn't have the right to be hungry or have low blood sugar when the others in my party skipped breakfast. It just made me want to explode and curl up and hide at the same time-if that's even possible. Why do I feel the need to be sneaky about food? Is it because we weren't allowed to have the Reese's? Because I definitely recall running off to buy them (and wolf them down before my mother saw) whenever I got a quarter. I've always done it....maybe I don't know how to NOT do it? I also suspect that somehow I got it in my brain that if no one saw it, it didn't count. Like sneaking a little extra lick. Only I was sneaking in a whole 'nother batch of cookie dough.

One other thing. I sometimes have the sense of feeling closer to my father by eating his favorite foods. Hmmmm, maybe I've been using food to try and get his approval? Only the fatter I get, the less he approves...kind of ironic, huh?

Man, this is difficult to face.

So, obviously, it does count. Just because no one sees it doesn't mean it doesn't have calories and carbs. It does count. Just because it's "legal" on my current food plan, does not make it healthy or OK. It does count.

Things to think about:

• why is sneaking food appealing?
• what will it take to change my thought process?
• start focusing on ME, just because my father can eat 1/2 a pack of Oreos, doesn't mean I can.
• start focusing on ME, just because my parents have xyz bad habit, doesn't mean I can't quit it.

I realize I've gone off on a tangent here, so back to the original topic of what fills me. My list is not in any particular order, besides my number one form of fulfillment being my shiny son:-)

1. My son's smiling face greeting me in the morning, his tight hugs and laughter.
2. Hot sunshine on an empty beach.
3. Nourishing my family.
4. Reading a good book on the deck of a boat.
5. Earthy smells (fresh cut grass, the forest floor, Christmas trees, raking leaves)
6. Petting and holding a puppy
7. Driving in the countryside.
8. Helping others in need.
9. Truthfulness and honesty.
10. Designing/decorating spaces.
11. Throwing things away

I do not know if that last point is healthy, but I do derive great satisfaction from giving things away. Old clothes, books, furniture, old toiletries, food, you name it. If I had my way, my closets would be 80% empty. Its somehow freeing or liberating for me. Maybe it's easy to "let go" of a physical thing, when I have so much difficulty letting go of emotional hang ups.

Something I'd like to add, however, is a list of things I WANT to fill me. I think this could be pivotal in creating some healthy changes if you are able to move one of your wants up to the list above.

1. Exercise
2. Openness about food and exercise
3. Activity
4. Being 100% present (working on this one)

I know all these things are important to healthy lifestyle...but I have to learn how to derive some deep satisfaction from them. Right now, for example, I exercise because I should, not because I like it or want to do it. If I can somehow change the way I think about these, and other, issues, I think I can instill some real, lifelong changes.