Wednesday's Therapy

So, I've been going to weekly therapy sessions for what seems like forever now, I think it's over two years. Sometimes I can get so frustrated that I don't seem to be making any progress. But last night I had a little (maybe significant) break-through.

We have been using EMDR as the main technique. We went into a situation when I was about 14 years old, and my father was looking at a photo of my cousin. He said, "you are so much prettier in the face than she is." Now, any normal person may take this as a compliment, but I immediately twisted it into the negative about myself: I may have a prettier face, but that is outweighed by my grotesquely fat body.

So, I went into the EMDR thinking about this and this is how it played out:

I felt this black tar like substance on my shoulders (metaphorically).
I kept being open to feeling it, not trying to make it go away.
I felt like in the past my motus aparendus was to put another layer of clothing on and cover it up.
I thought about how I could clean it off. Could I uses a towel and wipe it? Would I need some sort of paint thinner?
Then I saw my own, newborn shoulders covered in peachy baby fuzz.
The sight of them (in my mind's eye) made me incredibly emotional. I could not identify what it was I was feeling...it was not necessarily sad or angry or happy. But it made me cry.
I kept picturing my little shoulders and thought, how could anyone not see how perfect and beautiful and wonderful those little baby shoulders (and the rest) were?
Then, I had the intense revelation that "It's not my fault! How can a little baby-full of innocence-be at fault for anything?"
Then, I felt like I needed to work on forgiveness-of my parents?

I definitely felt like I peeled back a layer of that tar. I've also noticed that when I have the urge to stuff my face/binge, it's because of some emotion I am trying to avoid. So, I am trying to just feel it and let it come. What's the worst that can happen? A few tears?

And to put things into perspective...yesterday I found this blog and was totally sucked into it. It's heart-wrenching good. I could not stop reading. Or crying.