Yesterday, I was out playing in the yard with my son. It was a nice summer (for Sweden) day, so I was wearing shorts, and that tank top you saw in my progress photos. Not something I would ever leave the confines of my back yard in. My husband started snapping photos of us, despite my asking him not to. I didn't push it, because I didn't want to spoil the moment with my son. Well, the photographic results are devastating. I'd been feeling like I was doing pretty well, losing weight, in a good place, wearing my "skinny" clothes for the most part. I can deal with the way my arms looked in the photos. I can even deal with my fat butt and my stomach rolls. What really got me were my legs. They seriously didn't even look human, and I can't imagine they will ever look good-even if I weigh 150, or less. It's not just my thighs, either. It's terrible all the way down to my ankles. My husband tried to calm me down and make me less upset about it by telling me, "you have large thighs. So what? You're still beautiful." Now, here we come back to the trust issue. My internal dialogue: How can I trust him about anything? He must be lying, because there is no way on God's Earth he could find me even remotely attractive, let alone beautiful. I'm a hideous elephant! (yes, elephants are beautiful, but I'm a woman, and don't want their legs!)
My initial response, was to find something to shove in my mouth. Instead, I cleaned the kitchen, took a LUSH bath and drank lots of water.
I know I need to find some way to change my inner dialogue, but it seems so impossible when I see proof in the photos. I have a tendency to be aloof and removed from myself, ignoring my imperfections, rather than confronting them. So, when I see actual proof, it's a real blow. Obviously, being aloof and in denial for a lifetime isn't working, either. That only contributed to getting me to this point, right? So, where's the healthy balance?
On top of all this, I'm a bit wrought with worry about my son. His behaviour lately has really been pushing me to the edge. He's very demanding, contrary, whiny and can have outbursts that are really unattractive. He's been pushing and pinching (other children in tumbling class and especially me and Daddy) and tickling in an unnice way. I probably read too much online, and get all worried that he has some mild form of Asperger's Syndrome. I took a quiz about him, he scored between 36 and 42...49 or higher being the start of Pervasive Developmental Disorder. I feel like I'm making myself a little batty with worry and he probably senses that. Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago my therapist said, "are you playing with him enough?" Then, last week, when he went in for his 3 year well child visit, the nurse was all concerned that he couldn't sit still and has me worrying that he has ADHD. Now, in my head, I can bring up justifications for his unfocused behaviour during his check up:
- it was a new-ish (he hadn't been there in a year) environment
- he'd just been sitting in the car for 40 minutes
- he's 3 years old
- he hasn't had to learn to sit or wait, being an only child, and at home with his mother
- he's fairly independent (meaning he likes some freedom)
So, here I have one person coming at me saying my child doesn't play hard enough. And, then a nurse telling me I should sit and read quietly with him more, and make sure he plays with Swedish children (WTF?!) Most, if not all, Swedish children start full time day care at 1 year old. So, this forces them to conform to the daycare routine, to learn to wait and sit still. There is great pressure here to conform, and I do not want to put that pressure onto my son, I want him to be his beautiful little self.
That nurse also berated me for not preparing hot lunches for him ("all Swedish children get hot lunch in daycare. You must conform!")
Where does all this leave me? Alone. Confused. With no support network. With extremely fat and ugly legs. And where can I go? Obviously, there is nothing to be gained by going backward. I need to keep moving forward, do my best (but will it ever be enough?!) to lose weight, get healthy, and be the best mom, not to mention wife, that I can be. Maybe I just need to focus on improvement, rather than results.
Did I handle my son's outburst better this time? Yes? Huzzah! No? What can I do to make it better next time?
Did I get more out of my exercise this week? Yes? Huzzah! No? What can I do to make it better next time?
And so on...
My goals for this week:
- 5 workouts where I try harder
- Clean induction eating
- working on finding the balance between "being kinder to myself" and "facing my reality"
I hope everyone else is having an easier go at this than I am.
Hi. I just came across your blog. Sorry to hear you seem to have been having a bad weekend, what with the scales saying 3 lbs up, your son misbehaving and you diagnosing yourself with "Elephant Legs"!
ReplyDeleteI think if you ignore the legs problem and the blip on the scale, concentrate on just one problem at a time, although your son is not a problem, it just sounds like Sweden wants him to be a good little docile Swedish boy!
Best wishes,
Sharon
Hi. Don't fret over your child.
ReplyDeleteMother's know best. Begin to listen to your inner thoughts and intuition about him. Developing your intuition is going to be the real key to managing your life.
You know how you want to bring up your child. You know the kind of manners and character you want to build into him. I think we depend on so-called experts too much when all we need is a good dose of common sense.
Does your son not go to any play-group? Perhaps one or 2 half days a week at a pre-school would be helpful to you both. We can get too intense/anxious if we are 100% of time with an only child.
Here we have neighbourhood playgroups. If there are none in your area why not see if you can start one. That would be a good way to make friends with other families. It must be so hard living in a different country.
Elephant legs are part of the whole body image thing. Is it time to wonder why you hate your body so much and try to turn it around? I have learned that we can change our attitudes by at first being honest with how we feel. Then pretending that we love/are thankful for what we are. The more I affirm myself the more I find I really do love the way I am. This is incredibly important because our ability to love others is in direct proportion to our ability to love ourselves.
I know where you are coming from re-your husband telling you you are beautiful and not being sure if you can trust him in this. Be assured that he is seeing you through his eyes of love. He really does love you and wants you to love yourself. I have struggled too with these thoughts.
I get through by being amazed and thankful that he loves me as I am, with all my craziness and self-disgust, crankiness, anxieties etc. He still finds ways to enjoy us being together and have fun. He really does love me and deep down I know that is true, although there are days when it is hard to believe.
You are a very special person. I have been taught to change my inner dialgue by saying affirming things out loud. It will feel crazy at first but it works and you will grow stronger inside.
The one truly great thing about ugly scale bounces is that they often do a crazy bounce the other way.If you're doing the right things, it will straighten out.
ReplyDeleteI like how you phrase the dilemma of 'being kinder' vs. 'facing reality'. I think, though, that it might be a case of having to do both. How we get there is still a puzzle to me.
Sounds like a rough rough week. You can do this. Good luck with your goals here's hoping you have a good week and smoother sailing.
ReplyDeleteHaving read Margieanne's thoughtful comments, I add my dittos to her wisdom.
ReplyDeleteHaving homeschooled six children (five not my own), I concur that a mother's intuition is a pretty sure rudder in the choppy waters of childcare advice. Still, our children are often little more than tiny reflectors of what's going on inside us.
If your son seems frustrated and is acting out, is it possible he is the mirror image of your own internal dialog? Maybe that one thought will be enough to change your internal energy.
(((Big hugs from Hot Springs, Ark.)))
Hang in there, dear one. We all have those up times and even a little extra water weight can make the jeans a little snug.
ReplyDeleteYou do need to change your inner dialogue. You are making healthy changes and that's something to celebrate. God created you and loves you, never forget that.
As far as your son goes - 3yo boys are not wired to sit still!!!! When will "professionals" recognize that!? When my son was little, that year was our most difficult. He challenged me on EVERYTHING. I had to continually reinforce who was boss and not let him get the upper hand. It was EXHAUSTING for a while, but well worth it in the end. Kids need discipline and they need consistency.
I just found your blog and wanted to say Hi and that I hope your week gets better. I agree with goodbyetoallfat I think you should ignore the scale.
ReplyDeleteJamie