Thank you!

I wanted to thank everyone for the nice comments on my last post, and take a moment to address some things that were brought up.

MargieAnne asked if my son goes to a playgroup: He started going to pre-school two to three days a week a few weeks ago. He loves it, and it's giving me some much needed time. His early wakings have kept me from pre-breakfast workouts, but now on Tuesday and Thursdays, I can work out at leisure, and the other weekdays nap time is less crunched to "get stuff done around the house" so I can exercise then. It's just been a struggle for me to rearrange my whole schedule. I spoke to his teacher about the pushing/tickling/etc...and despite my child pushing a little girl to the ground right in front of me, she said he behaves really well. She didn't think ADHD was anything to worry about, at all. So, I'm basically left to figure out why he's misbehaving-if it's only when I'm around, it's obviously something with our relationship, I just don't know what. I think I've felt so isolated because I don't have a support group here. I'm the odd one out being a stay at home mom. All (like 99% or more) Swedish children start full time day care at 12-18 months of age. I guess I've just had a different set of challenges:-)

I do know I have a lot of self loathing that I need to resolve. And, I feel like I am finally starting to get somewhere in my therapy sessions. I'm not entirely sure where, but I am identifying things in myself that I need to change. This has had a tendency to spark more negative internal dialogue, as acknowledging my flaws admits imperfection. Now, I'm sure my son picks up on these things in me, and has succeeded in manipulating me from time to time. I definitely need to become more in control of my anger. (don't worry, it's not really out of control, but the tone of my words sometimes is very disheartening to me, and I want to remedy it!) Part of me feels like (this came to me from my therapy work) things get bad (negative/testing/outbursts) on my son's part when I am not acting as the Mummy, but as the 3 year old. I am relating to him very well, and am able to see life through his eyes...I guess there is just something in me that needs to resolve the "trauma" of my brothers birth when I was 3.

As for my intuition, it screams at me that he is a wonderful, healthy, happy, intelligent, caring and adorable little boy. My insecurities try to erode that, I guess. It's coupled by the lack of support group. Hmmmm, looks like I've identified another issue. I really don't know what to do about the support, or rather, the lack thereof. I feel like we're only going to be here another year, and that I'd be best to focus on getting myself healthy in mind, body and spirit....then I should have energy to establish a network when we move home. (It is soooooooo much more difficult here, with the language and cultural differences. For instance, I don't fit in with the Swedes for various reasons, and within the ex-pat crowd, there is a divide--1)those who love it here and are basically becoming/behaving like Swedes and 2)the ones that are miserable, hence giving a seriously negative tilt to most encounters--I fit into the second group, but don't need the extra negativity, obviously)