Where did "issues" originate?

So, I've been thinking a lot, and I know I have a lot to write about. I feel like I'm a total mess--so immature and childish, even. Where did all this inferiority come from? Why am I like this?? I do know that my upbringing is at least partially to blame.

My therapist calls me The Defender, because I'm always defending everyone except myself. Often it feels like he wants to blame my parents for screwing me up so much, and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. Certainly, they've made mistakes...and I know I've picked up some of their bad habits (twisting words of others into something negative about myself, courtesy of my mother, for example) and lately I've been suspecting that I keep a balance sheet in my head of things people do, and never really let it go-like my father.

Last night's therapy session was pretty good. He pointed out that not all narcissism is bad. And said he feels like the birth of my brothers/death of my grandfather when I was three is probably the "event" that started my inferiority complex. I think he's probably right. He tried to get me to say how I feel about that...but it's so difficult to say, you know? I said I didn't blame my mother...I mean, she couldn't help it that she had twins she wasn't expecting, that there would be complications and that my dad's father died down the hall from her hospital bed. I am feeling like there may be resentment and anger. I know I have a lot of pent up anger, that is easy to fling around at Sweden, not to mention beating myself up. I told him I felt like I needed to let it go. I'm just not entirely sure what "it" is. I also read "Who Will Comfort Toffle" to my son last night (hubby brought it home from the library in English). It's about a little creature in Mommin Valley that is so shy he runs away and is all alone, with no one to comfort him. It was one of those weird cooincidences that I read this particular book last night after our particular conversation. Hmmmm.

Another thing we discussed is my inability to get what I want. During the past couple of years, "not getting what I want" has been a recurrent theme in our sessions. Last night we refined that to not getting what I need. I have spent most of my life getting what I want. Now, I'm coming to the realization that what I want (cake!) is not always what I need (salad!) How can I be 40 years old and not have grown up!? Oh, look, my narcissistic dagger just stabbed me! I must stop doing that...

So, now my self inflicted assignment is to figure out what I really NEED.


We're off to the grocery store soon. They have a great play area where Babe can burn off a lot of energy while I gather food, there's one good thing about Sweden. (You can see I've been working on this entry for a while, our grocery photos are posted below)